Ya shoulda known by now that stolen valor sucks.

I’d gladly bet a million bucks 

That Don Shipley’s gonna get your ass.

I woke up in Granny’s basement with rules to flout,

Gotta log in to my new Christian Mingle account. 

There’s no way to count the ridiculous amount 

Of clueless chicks I’m about to engage.

Church girls, widows, and single moms

Lonely ladies lookin for their new Don Juan,

They can’t deny I got it goin on,

Just check out my Bio Page:

I graduated BUDS at age 11

I fought in Fallujah in 1987.

I sent 500 commies straight to Heaven.

Oh yes, it’s been a helluva ride. 

The name of the SEALS I would never slander,

I’m a Navy Sergeant CIA Lieutenant Commander.

You won’t find my class number, don’t bother to gander

Don’t ya know, that’s all classified. 

I’m a male sugar baby collectin my candy,

500 bucks from Sue another grand from Sandy.

Gotta praise the lord, cause life is dandy.

I’m so blessed, yes, wouldn’t ya know.

God’s praises I’ll keep on singin,

But hang on my phone is ringin

I can feel my butt cheeks clingin

Hearin  “Hello it’s Don Shipley, Bro!”

Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyy all you lumpy fucks

Ya shoulda known by now that stolen valor sucks.

I’d gladly bet a million bucks 

That Don Shipley’s gonna get your ass.

Shipley messed up my romance scam,

My name got flagged, my account got banned

But that’s alright, I don’t give damn

Ya can’t keep a good shit head down.

My fake fighting spirit will never fade.

Check out the 20 row ribbon rack I made,

With my choker whites; I’m marchin in the  parade,

And now I’m the toast o’ the town.

I get loud applause and resounding cheers,

I got these simple village folk all moved to tears,

Then over to the Legion: free food and beers

Raisin glasses to my good name.

I’m on the Sunday paper, front page, for all to see,

Then a podcast and a documentary.

Cue the crocodile tears, cue the “woe is me”

Now Son, that’s how play the game.

It all started in Cryptologist C-School,

When a SEAL Commander bust through the door,

He looked STRAIGHT at me, said “Son you’re too cool

For this school, it’s time to train you for war!”

I said “Yes, Sir! I’m ready! Who am I to start bitchin’?

I was just hand picked for a super special mission,

Cryptology was a temporary condition,

Blood and guts are what I signed up for!”

But I’m really just one of those lumpy fucks!

I don’t care if stolen valor sucks.

I spend my days just pushin my luck.

Before Don Shipley gets my ass!

Before I could blink, there I was in Iraq.

5 bullets in my shoulder, a machete through my back.

I told my troops, “You go! I’ll stay and thwart the attack!

Just leave all your ammo with me!”

From that moment on, it was a blurry, gory haze,

Just me, my .50 cal, for 3 straight days.

I told the Admiral “Sir! I don’t need a raise!

I did it all for sweet liberty!”

But if you find that boring, we can just move on,

I was call sign “Rattler” in Vietnam,

My lungs were immune to the napalm bombs.

I was the pride of Seal Team 9. 

I made it out of the bush, fully forged in hell,

And went on to train ol’ Marcus Lattrell

It turned out he didn’t know how to swim that well,

Still, I got him through class on time. 

And that’s the story I’m stickin to,

Cause you’ll never know what I’ve been through,

Shame on you if you don’t think it’s true, for I’d say it straight to your face. 

I’d do it again, I’d gladly risk it all.

With shrapnel in my legs, I’ll still be standing tall,

At least up until Senior Shipley calls,

Sayin “I don’t see you in our data base.”

Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyy all you lumpy fucks

Ya shoulda known by now that stolen valor sucks.

I’d gladly bet a million bucks 

That Don Shipley’s gonna get your ass.

And you thought you could never lose,

With your Russian Admiral ribbons and your Trident Tattoos,

Time to take your posts down and stop this ruse,

Don Shipley just got your ass!

You were an E-1 booted after 90 days,

Tryin to hide your past, and cover your disgrace,

You can’t hide with Diane’s camera in your face,

The Shipleys just got your ass.

OH! The Shipleys Just got your ass.

Hey! The Shipleys just got your aassssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!